(Writers name withheld to avoid arrest for trespassing.)
While running for my life from armed assailants in midtown Harrisburg one otherwise pleasant evening last weekend, I hopped a fence along the Susquehanna River and ducked behind some garbage cans.
It was only after my would-be muggers ran by on Second Street, waving guns and stolen mayoral campaign signs, that I noticed that I was on the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion.
I’m certainly not the type of newshound who normally digs through garbage cans. I do not scribble for a scandal sheet, nor do I work for the Newhouse or Murdoch clans.
But how could I help myself?
There, at my feet, lay a crumpled and tattered sheet of yellow legal paper.
The sheet was stained by what looks like coffee grounds, egg yolk, and beet juice. Some of the words were hard to discern, even later when I held the sheet up to a strong table lamp.
I now share them with you:
“Roadmap to reelection,” reads the underlined handwriting at the top.
“Problem #1 – How to solve the ‘Joe Paterno under the bus’ / Penn State problem, while at the same time doing away with the pesky PS4EVER alumni group:
Solution: Go to State College and meet with Penn State Trustees. At a news conference we’ll reinstall the statue of Joe Paterno in front of Beaver Stadium and lay a wreath at its foot, while denouncing the NCAA and the other parties responsible for this. Having achieved its goal, the PS4EVER alumni group will dissolve.
Problem #2 – How to deal with the “women and Latino” problem
Solution: Name a Latino to something important, preferably not yard work, food service, or watching contributor’s kids. Better yet, name a Latina. Ask someone in the legislative caucus if they know anyone.
Problem #3 – 2010 fracking campaign contributions in exchange for no taxes
Solution: Ban fracking: effective in the year 2025.
Problem #4 – Raising $40 million in campaign funds for 2014 campaign – Use Lancaster County Solid Waste Authority to bail out Harrisburg Incinerator creditors who will become grateful and generous donors.
Problem #5 – Liquor, Lottery, Turnpike privatization, and pension reform
Solution: Announce the pensions of all state workers will be tied to a turnpike bond issue that backs a special state lottery run by the British to finance liquor store privatization. – Give Ed Rendell a piece of the action and the ‘D’’s will go along. What could be simpler?
Problem #6 – Become likeable.
Solution: Quit sneering and jabbing finger at reporters at news conferences. Why not take a page from Ronald Reagan’s playbook? Smile amiably, tilt the head, and say, “Well…” Learn more lines of distraction. “How about those Phils?”
Problem #7 – IF ALL ELSE FAILS
Solution: Hold an angry news conference, sneer and jab fingers at reporters. Threaten if not re-elected to pardon Jerry Sandusky.
