I am your friend. Vote for me.

By Dick Morris

WE.CONNECT.DOTS: I am your candidate for re-election.

I promise to provide you with the same lackluster performance voters have expected for the past half century. Your welfare is safe with me. I do not intend to do anything foolish – such as making laws – unless you are the beneficiary and write me campaign checks..

We will continue the program of reducing your taxes and increasing your services, working toward the day when you, the voter, think you are paying no taxes and getting all the services a limited government should provide. A limited government, as you know, is one with fewer regulations. It only provides protection and benefit for your job, your business, your religion, your neighborhood and your race.

We must eliminate all business taxes first so it may be decades before we cut your personal taxes.

I have always voted for popular programs, even though I did not vote for funds to pay for them.

You need to know my position on abortion and guns to see what a great lawmaker I am. Many voters vote based on our position on these two issues. Others, who may disagree, tend to look at other factors before deciding how they will vote.

While I favor more babies being born, I do not “waste” money for government programs that keep these babies healthy or feed, house and educate them.

Regardless of age, mental capacity or criminal background, everyone should have an unlimited number of fully automatic weapons, ammo and magazines. The answer to gun violence is, of course, more prisons, at least until we can execute the bastards.

Prisons provide a better outcome. We spend too much money on schools that do not provide as positive of a result. We should transfer more education money to prisons.

Fortunately for me, the mainstream media provides spotty coverage of my activities as an officeholder. This is why I will use every bit of tax money available to publish and mail full color brochures extolling my most recent good deeds. I promise there will be no less than one dozen pictures of yours truly in each issue.

I shall continue to file my campaign reports in crayon and on the final day before deadline. Remember, the same flakes who demand more open campaign filings are also in favor of taxpayer-funded campaigns. Why should you pay for elections when there are plenty of “one-percenters” and big corporations willing to foot the bill?

Remember these special interests provide me and my staff with time to run errands for you, present flags to your schools and ride in your parades. These special interests can do all my research on pending legislation and tell me how to vote.

We will discredit environmental claims because tree huggers only cost us jobs. We will continue to cut state government programs no matter how many unfunded mandates are created at the local level. My pay and benefits must remain superior to those taxpayers underwriting my package.

This entire news release has been ghost written for a reader at the ninth grade level. I embrace my voter base.

Bottom Line: Republicans stand for less government, unless special interests need served. Democrats once believed government existed to make people’s lives better. Now, too many Democrat office holders think like Republicans. Ain’t Democracy great?