(The following originally appeared at our sister publication The Budapest Sentinel, and appears here by permission.)
Dear Supreme Leader:
I am pleased to report that we have finally discovered another place in the vast cosmos resembling our home world. Situated in the western part of the Eurasian subcontinent, Hungary has anticipated many of the best practices that we have encountered over the course of our eons-long quest for a world every bit as perfect as our own. In fact, during the course of our stay here, we have discovered a number of best practices worthy of emulation.
Like our world, Hungary is ruled by a benevolent and enlightened despot named Orbán the Victor, thus named for his penchant for winning elections by making last minute changes to electoral law and smiting his opponents, both real and imagined.
Situated in the middle of the European subcontinent, the small, landlocked country is run by a permanent ruling class called “Fidesz” with the help of a priestly cast called KDNP (which actually stands for “Christian Democratic Peoples Party” and not “Can Do Nothing Period without Fidesz” as commonly believed).
The state religion involves two groups of priests wearing colorful vestments running after a black and white truncated icosahedron, which they take turns depositing in one another’s sanctuary using only their feet and heads. So sacred is the bitruncated order-5 dodecahedral honeycomb-like object that only the sanctuary guardians are allowed to touch it with their hands, providing they wear gloves.
Stadion
At first we thought this religious ceremony to be some kind of spectator sport. However, judging from the enormous resources the government has committed to erecting oversized ecliptic structures all over the country, whose seating capacity vastly exceeds the size of their respective congregations, we concluded that “Foci” is, in fact, the official state religion.
Hungary clearly shares our belief in the instructional and healing power of religion, having defunded public education and health care for the sake of building religious edifices. One of the most impressive temples can be found in the Hungarian supreme leader’s back yard in his home town of Felcsút.
Felcsut
We paid a visit to Felcsút the other day and were very impressed by what appears to be an novel method for transporting Foci worshippers from a neighboring village to the supreme ruler’s temple via a narrow track. The fact that the vehicle was completely devoid of passengers led us to conclude that it is still an experimental prototype that has yet to be put into service.
Vonat
With regard to health care, Hungarians evidently share our view that sickness is really only a state of mind, and that the best way to keep the general population healthy is to ensure that hospital conditions are so deplorable that nobody in their right mind would ever want to be admitted. We respectfully call your attention to the innovative practice of allowing dangerous microbes and bacteria to flourish in hospital wards and operating theaters in order to facilitate patients contracting fatal illnesses.
korhaz
On the subject of education, Hungary has anticipated our practice of turning an intelligent, free-spirited people into mindless automatons highly receptive to the supreme ruler’s utterances, however outrageous or irrational.
Upon our arrival, thousands of giant rectangular signs across the country erected for the purpose of telling Hungarians how to vote in an upcoming public opinion poll initially gave us the mistaken impression that the Hungarians are an oafish, selfish people. But nothing could be further from the truth! The country’s institutions of higher learning excel at preparing highly skilled doctors, mathematicians, and engineers for export to neighboring countries free of charge! Furthermore, in the interest of protecting Europeans from refugees, asylum seekers and other terrorists, Hungarians recently went to the trouble and expense of building a 100-mile long fence along their southern border and have even generously offered to assist their neighbors with their own frontier erections!
Most importantly, Hungary’s supreme leader is determined to protect all of Europe from the curse of “liberal democracy”. Under his enlightened leadership, Hungary has renationalized the public utility sector, created government monopolies on everything from textbook publishing to tobacco retailing, and put an end to the pernicious institution of private property.
We call the Supreme Leader’s attention to the fact that in Hungary a mere act of parliament is all that is necessary to strip entire segments of the population of their property and even their livelihoods! If ever there was a best practice worthy of emulation, surely this is it! Why have independent tour bus operators or livery services competing with one another to provide customers with the most cost-effective service when you can turn them into government monopolies to be bestowed upon members of the ruling class in the form of lucrative government concessions?
Of course, this would involve reducing members of our galactic parliament to mere “button pushers” prepared to vote “yea” one day and “nay” the next depending on what the Supreme Leader had for breakfast that morning. However, our study of Hungary indicates that this is easily accomplished by granting members of the ruling political class immunity from prosecution—a kind of permanent “get out of jail free” card (which is a reference to Orbán the Victor’s favorite board game, “Monopoly”).
Adopting some of Hungary’s more innovative practices would enable our world to solve the pressing problem of interplanetary colonization. As the Supreme Leader is no doubt aware, our people are highly reluctant to forsake the planet of their birth and move off world. However, by making it impossible for them to earn a living on our own planet and subjecting anyone and everyone who is not a member of the ruling class to continuous harassment and humiliation, some five percent of the population (mostly educated youth) could be expected to depart for other worlds of their own accord over the next six years (that is, if Hungary under the second and third Orbán governments is anything to go by).
Just imagine a word where there is no domestic opposition because anybody with a shred of intelligence, creativity and initiative has already left the planet!
We look forward to recommending more best practices as we come to better appreciate the sublime illiberal democracy of Orbán the Victor.
With deep respect and deference to your vast superiority in all things,
Gejb Eghi Ghoie XV
(P.S. I made these photos using a remarkable Earth invention called the “selfie-stick.”)
